So currently, I'm involved in SJSU's PCN this year. woot woot. Singing in choir, which is really odd since I'm like the shyest of the bunch. I really am tho. Like, I don't just bust out singing for you like people want me to. Sorry. Uh, things in life are really hard for me with family (papa's condition), school/PCN, boys. ew, ugh. that makes me sad.
Fam-lay
I love my family to death, but sometimes I need to get away and I feel like my friends are my getaway trip. Things around the house are so tough for me to man up about. My dad is home, went home just weeks after his transplant and for that I am very thankful because he needed to be home. I saw him twice when he was in the hospital and both times I could not bear seeing him like that. Going home is the best feeling in the world 'coz I know that my dad misses me being home every day like I was in hs. Its hard on me, especially, because I am not used to seeing my dad everyday like the rest of my family. I start crying inside whenever I look at my dad because he's not the dad I remember. He looks so much more different from when he started all his treatment. ='( I seriously cannot look at him in the eye anymore because its too hard on my heart. I know that its bad saying that but that's how I feel inside. When I'm done talking to my dad, I go into another room or outside the house and start crying. Its really that tough for me to handle. When I cry, the only person that knows and hears my tears and sniffles is Jed. Hes my life when I'm down because he knows how to make me smile and think differently. There has been a handful of times that I felt like I was going to burst out in tears in front of my dad, but I had to suck it up and wait for our conversation to end. I really do cry tho. My mom doesnt even know that I'm crying about this. I usually try to stop crying, but sometimes I wish that G didnt put my family through all this sh*t. I know that it's not good putting all this shizz on my shoulders but I feel like since Im away from the family at school, I have the most responsibility. I shouldn't feel like that but I do. Enough of that, I'm starting to tear.
School/PCN
Holy shizz, school is so tough this semester because I have so much pressure from the CSU system to pass all these remedial courses =/ I have the most amazing schedule coz I made it like that. haha. PCN is so much fun. I love the people in it. Althought it drives me craaazy that I cannot speak tagalog at all, I suck it up and sing the songs in tagalog. Most of them songs are in our native language, and the only song I can actually get down is Sha La La. lmao.
Boys aka Jed
The one person who makes me crazy also makes me happy. There are so many times that I've talked about this guy, but a break up isnt going to stop me. Hes been there for me through thick and thin, and he really doesn't want to just be friends. I dont know how many times I stress that I want to be with him but only when he's changed his way of thinking about me. I know that he wants to be with me but the way he thinks of me and treats me does not show what so ever that he wants to be with me coz its all wrong. Im not going to go into detail about that. Theres just so much that I ask of him that I know for a fact that he can do, but he refuses to take my words to heart. Yes, I'm still keeping in touch with him, and we see eachother from time to time, but I dont intend on being his gf until he proves to me that he's changed. There are things that tell me he's "changing" but then those things just go away and the tables turn completely. Recently, we spent a weekend together and it was amazing. Everything was perfect until he left, and he always leaves me on a sour note "because he hates saying goodbye to me because he 'knows' its the last time hes going to see me in 'awhile'". I'm currently just friends with the guy, but I am still interested in staying single.
Okayy, that's an update. Love you, ILA sissuhs.<3LaurenNicole.
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